The 2026 World Cup is being hosted jointly by the USA, Canada and Mexico – not exactly countries working in harmony right now. Asked about this, given the current trade situation between the three nations, Trump said: “I think it’s going to make it more exciting.” So here’s how the 2026 World Cup is going to go down…
Three uneasy neighbors, one massive global stage, what could possibly go wrong?
- There’s controversy from the get go when Amazon snags the broadcast rights to World Cup for free. It is later revealed that FIFA President Gianni Infantino and Amazon’s Jeff Bezos are in fact one and the same person.
- In the name of efficiency, Elon Musk and DOGE fire all non-essential staff at Team USA. Due to a clerical error this includes manager Mauricio Pochettino and on the eve of the tournament USA are manager-less. Trump takes the reins saying, “We’re going to do so much winning…”
- In the group stages, Trump announces that all countries scoring against America shall be hit with a 50% tariff on their goals – such that each one is only worth half a goal, with the other half going to America. America concedes three goals in each game, resulting in three 1.5 v 1.5 score lines, enough to see America through to the next round.
- America faces Venezuela in the first knockout round. Upon taking the pitch the entire Venezuelan team is deported to a foreign Gulag on account of some dodgy tattoos.
- Mexico are next up for Team USA. In the last minute Mexico is awarded a direct free kick. America builds a wall and tries to get Mexico to pay for it. Mexico refuses and are disqualified.
- America faces Canada in semi-finals. On the eve of the match Canada is declared the 51st State and is forced to concede 51 goals in honor of the occasion.
- The World Cup Final sees America face Russia. After a friendly chat with Putin, Trump declares that no one has been tougher on Russia, while simultaneously allowing Russia to score as many goals as they like. In a last minute twist, both teams agree to sell the cup to the highest bidder and Saudi Arabia are crowned 2026 World Cup Winners.
Related: How the NFL can save the EPL
The 2026 World Cup is being hosted jointly by the USA, Canada and Mexico – not exactly countries working in harmony right now. Asked about this, given the current trade situation between the three nations, Trump said: “I think it’s going to make it more exciting.” So here’s how the 2026 World Cup is going to go down…
Three uneasy neighbors, one massive global stage, what could possibly go wrong?
- There’s controversy from the get go when Amazon snags the broadcast rights to World Cup for free. It is later revealed that FIFA President Gianni Infantino and Amazon’s Jeff Bezos are in fact one and the same person.
- In the name of efficiency, Elon Musk and DOGE fire all non-essential staff at Team USA. Due to a clerical error this includes manager Mauricio Pochettino and on the eve of the tournament USA are manager-less. Trump takes the reins saying, “We’re going to do so much winning…”
- In the group stages, Trump announces that all countries scoring against America shall be hit with a 50% tariff on their goals – such that each one is only worth half a goal, with the other half going to America. America concedes three goals in each game, resulting in three 1.5 v 1.5 score lines, enough to see America through to the next round.
- America faces Venezuela in the first knockout round. Upon taking the pitch the entire Venezuelan team is deported to a foreign Gulag on account of some dodgy tattoos.
- Mexico are next up for Team USA. In the last minute Mexico is awarded a direct free kick. America builds a wall and tries to get Mexico to pay for it. Mexico refuses and are disqualified.
- America faces Canada in semi-finals. On the eve of the match Canada is declared the 51st State and is forced to concede 51 goals in honor of the occasion.
- The World Cup Final sees America face Russia. After a friendly chat with Putin, Trump declares that no one has been tougher on Russia, while simultaneously allowing Russia to score as many goals as they like. In a last minute twist, both teams agree to sell the cup to the highest bidder and Saudi Arabia are crowned 2026 World Cup Winners.
Related: How the NFL can save the EPL
